Pushing Away
by QueenOfStalkers
Summary: Lynn was alone. No one ever knew who she was, or what she believed in. Her only true friend in the world not enough to hold onto. She became so afraid of who she was that she would do it. Jump. (story better than summary)


**Hey platypuses! So I was just chillin reading fanfiction and procrastinating. Ya know the usual for me. I had this idea pop in my head. As you can see now I am writing it! WOOOOOOO Yeah. Ummm so this is yeah... READ IT ALL READY! oh and I don't own Divergent.**

**Lynn's POV**

I felt my tears streak down my cheeks. I turn and look over my shoulder at my door. I hear someone pounding at.

"Lynn if you don't let me in I am going to pick this lock!" Marlene. Why did she always show up?

"NO! GO AWAY!" I scream. I run my fingers through my hair. It had grown back some what since initiation 2 years ago. I kept it short and normally dyed it zanzy colors. Right now it was midnight black, so black it was almost blue.

"Why would I even consider that?" Marlene yelled at me through the door. I heard her begin to pick my lock. I shoved a chair under the handle. I then pushed my sofa in front of that. For good measure I put the latchy thing over my door.

"LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE MARLENE!" I roared. I heard Marlene stop picking my lock. "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! LEAVE AND DON'T FUCKING COME BACK! IN FACT GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!" I collapse on the floor sobbing.

"Lynn," I hear Marlene mutter. "Do you mean that?" She asked. I could barely hear her through my door.

I wanted to yell "NO DON'T LEAVE I NEED YOU!" but instead I lied. Typical me. "NO GO TO HELL AND DON'T COME BACK SEE IF I CARE! LEAVE ME ALONE I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" I heard Marlene sob and hear foot steps pound down my hall.

My face was soaked with tears. I sobbed. I sobbed for pushing all my friends, except Tris, away. I just pushed Marlene away, Uriah will never speak to me after he hears what I did to Marlene. I had run to my apartment after pushing Zeke and Shauna away at the same time. Four had always hated me. I was hated by everyone who meant anything to me.

I was Dauntless, I can't cry. Yet it seemed that I did. I had to; I needed to cry for everyone I had hurt. I couldn't help it.

Why me? Why am I then only person in this damn city to not fit into any faction. Tori told me I was "Defiant". I guessed that meant I was a selfish, coward who is a lying jerk face and is stupid. She told me "It doesn't mean that. It means you don't have enough of one trait to fit in one faction." so I was right.

Tori also said I showed barely, barely enough Dauntless to have that as my score. I was at the line. It was awful, and because of the fact I was barely Dauntless I had so many fears. Yeah. Sucky.

"Defiant." I mumbled bitterly. Fresh tears sparked in my eyes and I choked out another sob. I dragged myself up and went to the bathroom.

As I stared at myself in the mirror I saw myself. The girl staring back at me was mad though.

"You are such a failure. I mean 'Defiant'? Come on. What kind of excuse for failure is 'Defiant'?" The girl in the mirror told me. I turned away from her but she didn't stop.

"You are such a coward. A horrible, awful, sorry excuse for a coward. You should die bitch!" She yelled at me. More tears. I tried to ignore her as I grabbed the blade I kept in the bottom drawer in my bathroom. I had bought it specifically for this purpose.

I stared at my familiar blade. I ran my fingers gently across the blade. Sharp. Cold. Beautiful. Dangerous. My savior. I press the blade against my wrist. I had tried to stop many a time. But every time I would have some reason to start again. Now I only did it if I had to. I felt the warm pain streak up my arm. My blood dripped onto the floor. I stared at the cut. I promised myself I'd only ever make one incision. I was struggling to keep that self promise.

I forgot my promise and made another cut right below the one before. I stopped myself. "No. Lynn you need to stop." I say to myself. I feel more tears fall down my cheeks. I throw the blade into my bathtub. I don't bother to wipe the blood off my wrists before I hug my knees to my chest and sob. I ruined my jeans doing that.

I heard loud pounding at my door. "LYNN LET ME IN RIGHT NOW!" It was Tris. I ran to the door and let her in.

"Lynn what happened?" Tris asked me and saw my wrist and the blood an my jeans.

"I'm sorry." I choke out and Tris pulled me into a hug.

"I thought we agreed you wouldn't before talking to me." Tris said into my hair. **(Not a lynntris just friendship)**

"I just ruined everything with Marlene, Uriah, Zeke, Shauna, probably Hec. Everyone." I mutter. "Oh and she's back." Tris nods. She releases me and leads me towards the couch. She makes me sit and heads into my kitchen.

Tris comes out 5 minutes later with 2 cups of hot chocolate and 2 slices of Dauntless cake. I take the drink but ignore the cake. I take a small sip of the hot chocolate and it isn't to warm and it isn't cold at all. Tris sits down next to me.

"What happened? Marlene was crying with Uriah and she kept muttering something about you. I aske Zeke and Shauna about it and they seemed pretty mad." Tris asks me. As always she speaks with genuine kindness and concern in her voice.

"I, I got mad at Shauna. She kept talking shit about Bendon. You know the kid in her initiate class that she found out was gay. I told her that it was OK to be gay and she blew up at me so I blew up twice as bad as her. It ended with me punching her. Marlene saw me storm off and followed me here. I told her to go to hell and to never speak to me again. She went and cried to Uriah because I am a bitch. Now he probably hates me. You are the only person who won't hate me." I say and take another sip of my hot chocolate. Tris hands me a tissue and I wipe away my tears. It doesn't work to well though.

"Don't worry. Marlene will forgive you. Uriah too. I don't know about Shauna, but I'm pretty sure Zeke will. Also Hec isn't that easily influenced my your sister." Tris tells me. Her voice calm and quiet. I put down my cup and began to sob once more. Tris pulled me into her arms. Not very easy since I was a little bigger than her.

After an hour or so Tris spoke. "I got to go. Four is going to wonder where I am. I am so sorry, I really have to go. I just remembered I have to be at Erudite tomorrow. I wish I could spend the night, I really do." Tris looks at me with real sorrow. I shrug even though I wish she'd never need to leave.

"Bye." I croak. Tris gave me a squeeze and left. I went to my room and lied on my bed. I stared at the ceiling.

It was covered in my sketches. Trees shaddowed in darkness, ominous birds, cemeteries, an empty Pit, people facing the other way, people with tears streaking down their faces. And the largest was of a broken heart. Not just any broken heart one that had take me 4 hours and was in 30 pieces. I sighed and flipped around.

I examined my finger nails. Short, black stubs. I bit at them. I got up and paced. Just paced. I had nothing better to do. I couldn't sleep that was for sure.

I looked at my clock. 12:47. I groaned. I couldn't go to the Pit till at least 2 a.m. when the Dauntless finally went to sleep.

I began debating what to do. I knew my friend's would never forgive me. Tris, Tris was the real problem with the idea I had. If she found me she might literally die. I just prayed she wouldn't. I waited. Even though Tris tried to talk me down I wasn't going to back down.

I had decided long ago. Sometimes it was the answer. Especially when you were Defiant. I went back to my kitchen and ate a slice of Dauntless cake. I smile slightly at the delicious chocolate. I went back to my room and wrote a short note.

I checked the time again 1:17 a.m. Erg. I was so tired of waiting. I decided to take a bath. I turn the water so hot I can barely stand it. I submerge myself in the hot liquid. I lay perfectly still. I just breathe and savor the moment. I drift in and out of consciousness. When the water goes cold I finally get out.

I check the time 3:56. Perfect. I slip on my favorite jeans, an old tank top and my favorite leather jacket. I zip it up to my neck, grab the note and some tape and head out the door.

Soon I am at the Chasm. I tape the note to the railing. I look over the edge. I see the raging waters, beautiful in a non conventional way. I laugh a bit. I suddenly feel so light, like I could fly. I pull myself onto the railing and look down. I turn to face the Pit.

"Good-bye." I whisper and fall backwards.

I hear a scream. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" Tris. I ignore it though and fall through the cold air. It seemed to take forever, falling. I didn't feel any pain when I hit the rocks. I saw Tris leaning over the railing before everything went black.

**No one's POV**

Tris ran towards the railing. "NOOOOOO!" She yelled. Tris sailed over but it was to late. Lynn had jumped. Tris' tears sparked up.

"Why? Why did you have to do that?" Tris whispered. Four came running.

"I heard yelling!" He exclaimed. Four looked over the edge and immediately turned away.

The water was a deep shade of red because of Lynn's blood. Four retched violently.

Tris saw the note and carefully opened it.

_Dear Tris,_

_I know you'd be the first person to find me. I am so so sorry. I was hated. Don't deny it. You liked me but thats where it ends. Tell everyone I'm sorry, OK? And please remember to smile._

_-Lynn_

Tris choked out a sob. More and more people flooded the Pit. Tris shoved the note into her pocket so no one else would read it.

Marlene, Uriah, Zeke, Hector and even Shauna came and cried together. Tris had left and didn't stay for the funeral. Her best friend had just thrown herself into the waters. She didn't want to hear how brave it was from someone who probably didn't even know who she was.

Four followed her only to find her in Lynn's room. She was clutching Lynn's favorite t-shirt. It also had a note on it.

_I didn't wear it for a reason. It was so you could have it. I needed my jacket and my jeans though._

Tris put the shirt to her face and took a deep breath. Christina walked in and threw her arms around Tris. But Tris didn't say anything. She was hating herself for leaving Lynn.

Several months later Tris killed herself. She felt so guilty. She was convinced it was all her fault. Four followed after her, he missed her to much. Christina became an alcoholic, Will left her and became a workaholic. Uriah was never the same, he never cracked anymore jokes or called people pansycakes. Shauna never forgave herself and neither did Marlene. Zeke disappeared. No one knew what happened to him. Most assume he became factionless. Others say he died, and some say he went beyond the fence.

No one was ever the same again after that fateful night. Lynn was Defiant and could never fit in, yet she was the reason everyone could fit in.

**... Don't murder me.**


End file.
